Many of my human sexuality students and clients kind of make jokes about not having enough sex. Can you guess which gender this comes from most? Of course, it’s the guys! Well, gentlemen, let me tell you in just a few words, that this is normal. It is not just you. Most men want a whole lot more sex than your female partners do. I know, it’s not fair, but still true.

If you have been reading the previous posts in our sex series, then you already know some of this stuff so I am making this very short.

Stop arguing. Resolve issues before bed time. Ask questions. Be clear. Plan.

What do I mean by plan, you ask? Simply that creating a sensual setting with romance behind all that you do, may give you exactly what you are looking for. If there is no anxiety built up by anger and disappointments, meaning all this has been resolved, then setting the scene is almost a win/win situation. Most women love flowers. Personally, I am not impressed by them, but most women are. You need to get to know your partner. If she loves flowers then get some. They are in every grocery store now and not too much money. Scented candles are a favorite amongst most ladies, as well. Grooming is essential. Brush your teeth and take a shower. When you smell good, well, what can I say? The ladies will eat that right up! If you do not have money issues and you want to throw in some favorite sweets or a drink, then do it, but this is not what is important. Music is special too. Slow romantic stuff that screams out ”sexy” works for many women, as well. Lighting the candles, giving the small gift, possibly a massage with soft music in the background, well, simple, right?

Be smart, guys! If your partner has had a really hard day at work or with the kids, you MUST give them a chance to talk it out and unwind before you put your plan into action. She will not be able to be thrown into your plan with unresolved emotional junk going on.

Let me know how this stuff works for you. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Have a great day of planning!

“The first time I heard my husband raise his voice, it reminded me of my mom and I began shaking with fear.” Memories of past issues will no doubt come up in your marriages. Once they do, trust is simply chiseled away at. Little by little, trust diminishes. Men and women alike, must feel secure in their marriage if indeed they are to trust their spouse. Safety is a real issue, especially for women. Women, more often than not, need to feel like no matter what happens in life, their husbands will back them, take their side, hold them through the hard stuff, still love them, for always. They also need to believe their husbands will be there whenever there is a need. Being there, means, listening, holding, and understanding. It almost never means “fix it” or taking over.

Men, need to be valued and respected. We have made this claim many times. Men, do not want to compete with their wives former relationships, whether it is another man, parents or children. They should never have to pay for the sins of others. They need to feel like their wives trust their judgment and respect their ideas and who they are.

Especially when there is a history of sexual abuse in one of the spouse’s history, the other will always need to be aware of the issues that brought up the hurt and fear. If a woman, for example, was forced to give oral sex, then that very same thing may be a very difficult thing to expect during marriage. Men in cases like these should be patient because it doesn’t always mean that it will never happen but the more she begins to trust that there is no harm meant or that it is not a selfish act, she can calm down. She usually wants to please, but it takes time to get there in cases like these. Talking about these things is not always easy. Some get very defensive during these talks. Some get embarrassed because even the words used to describe the past experiences may not be words normally said. It is important to remember that the person you just married, loves you with all his heart.

Here I go again, I am going to encourage you to talk about it. Tell each other about your fears, where they come from and what triggers them. Tell your partner that you will support them and b patient. Tell your spouse that you need her/him to trust you. Remind each other of your love and how much you care.  This is a very vulnerable place to put yourselves. It is important to be a good listener and validate the feelings being shared. Don’t make them feel bad for their feelings. Don’t tell them they should not feel that way. Many of us do this without even realizing it. This is degrading so be careful. When we degrade or make them feel bad/stupid about how they feel, then the fear comes back stronger. It creates the idea that if I am vulnerable, I will be hurt again.  Letting them know now that you have heard what goes on in their thoughts and heart, that you understand where their feelings come from, is essential.  This is validating.

Being good listeners, holding each other, being kind and caring/understanding and showing love and respect during these conversations, will raise the level of trust and take the fears away. Bring a security system into your home. Be a safe place for your spouse to be who they are.  This will create a much higher level of trust.

Today, we will discuss unresolved issues and baggage that are brought in to the relationship. Some of these relationships will bring in good ideas and behaviors and some will not.

Let’s start with moms and dads. Ever heard the statement, “You will marry your parents.” Scary thought for most of us, but so true, many times. We hear in the office, “He treats me like a kid!” or “I don’t need another mother!”

If a husband is treating his wife like his daughter, how many of those wives truly wish to have sex with their father? Come on! We must be careful not to treat each other like we are the parents or treat them like we have ownership over them. When we first meet and see those same qualities of our mom or dad, we usually begin by thinking it is so admirable. It doesn’t take long after the marriage to realize it is those very same qualities that make us not want to be with them anymore. Anybody relate to this? I thought so! I can promise you this though, unless there is an emotional or mental issue, no one wants to sleep with their mom or dad. Watch out for how you treat your spouse.

Old friends, bad family backgrounds, abuse, and former marriages can add to this mix. Those former relationships mold our thinking and how we process through our issues. If your spouse was not treated well by one of their parents or former spouse, they will have trust issues, which we will discuss later in more detail.

It is so important to deal with these issues before you get married but many of us don’t realize we have the issues until after we get married, which is unfortunate. It is not easy to admit to having issues cause by another relationship. We want to put our best foot forward, and do, until we are relaxed in our new relationships, then the ugly truth comes out. The old baggage shows its face and it is, ugly. Our bitterness, our anger, our fears, our selfishness, our stubborn persona etc. It is often easy to hide alcoholism and mental illness while we are trying hard to show the very best of who we are, early in our relationships. If you are still unmarried, get counseling first. Work through this stuff. If you are already married, take your spouse with you. Help each other see what has happened, why you are the way you are, and then how to make changes that will enhance your new relationships. Talk and don’t be afraid to admit your past mistakes and a need to do things differently now. Don’t let your pride get in the way. Pride is never good in your relationships. It just makes things worse. Take it from one who knows! Between the pride often seen in the counseling center and my own, I can promise this is a real serious problem.

Remember, we discussed keeping the marriage bed pure, without anger and issues. This means that this stuff needs to get settled, as well. A man can usually have sex anytime and feels better after he does. Unfortunately, women are not the same way. If these issues linger on, sex will happen less and less. This does not make for a good marriage. It will diminish the trust.

We will discuss in more detail next time trust and fear from past abusive relationships.

Today, let’s talk about how anger, arguments etc. can result in withholding sex from your partner. How does this affect your sex life? It may seem obvious but sometimes, it’s exactly the obvious that needs to be said.

We need to have a wake up call. This may be more for the ladies but men need to hear it too.

First of all, remember men, that your female partners think with their emotions, much of the time. They will not be able to give you everything if you are not getting along, arguing, tense etc. Women need to feel loved in order to be able to give it up, so to speak. Do you remember hearing, ‘Don’t go to bed angry?” Well, this is why or at least one of the reasons. You must learn how to talk to one another. Compromise might be in order. None of us are usually willing to settle on issues as we usually want to be right. Answer this: Do you want to be right or do you want to be married? Which is more important? At the end of the day, what is the priority? Try holding hands more. One old friend once told me, “It is really hard to yell and scream at someone when you’re holding hands.” This is so true. Hold hands while you are in those really tense moments talking about how to resolve your issues.

Ladies, it is never ok to withhold from sex in an attitude of revenge/bitterness. Punishing is meant for your children, not your husbands. Men, you too. I say it to ladies because this happens with them, more often than men. It is so disrespectful. Remember, in an earlier post, we discussed how men have an innate need to be valued and respected, so this is important. It is not fair. Now, obviously, if your partner is having an affair and is found out, you just might be able to withhold, in that case. This is not usually the situation, though. Most of the time, it is the smaller things that get under our skin. Who spent what money today, how you handled the children, what was said etc. These things can be talked through and we can show that we care with our actions.

Men, love your wives to the point of sacrifice. By this I mean, give up that new golf club, give up your control, give up your need to be right. Showing her that she  is more important than any of those other things, will help. Women, value your husbands to the point of respect, not controlling, or being stubborn.

Both of you, remember to give up the right to be right. Being right, should never be your priority in marriage. Keep the marriage bed pure, loving, and erotic. Don’t make it a place of contention and war. It is not the battlefield nor, should it be.  Remember, that marriage is a compromise. We are one when we join together in an emotional sense and in a physical sense. Give to each other. When both partners are doing this, no one is left feeling like they are the only ones working or changing.

Again, let me repeat: Keep the marriage bed pure, loving and erotic.

Stay tuned for more.

“Whenever I want anything other than missionary, she thinks I am a pervert.”

A man said this and I wondered why this is the case. Was it due to her history/baggage with someone else? Was it really that he was a pervert? Was it because her parents raised her to believe very rigidly? Was it simply because she was not comfortable?

The truth of the matter is that when a man begins to think this way, it is safe to say he is bored. In this case, the female needed to seek to find out why she felt the way she did. She went back in time to understand what was taught about sex. She took that and how she became afraid when her husband began to try something new. When she began to see patterns and could speak to him about what was going on during foreplay, he could see when she began to clam up or back away. He was able to share his desires and interests in a way that did not sound so threatening to her. She slowly began to feel more and more comfortable with trying new things.

Usually when a partner is bored, it is because there is no more spice. Spicing it up could mean something totally different to each partner. This means talking will be a key factor in alleviating the boredom.

It’s not always the men who get bored. When women are bored, we hear at the counseling center that he is too tired, or he is not attractive anymore. Women get bored when there is no romance, passion or new ideas. Of course, foreplay is a, MUST.

Some people are more adventurous than others. Some are wanting to try new things.

This could mean something as simple as a massage with a warming lotion/oil. It could mean a new position or place. It could mean toys.

The key here is to talk about it and fully agree on what both are comfortable with.

Keep in mind that maintaining dignity, safety, respect and the feeling that your partner is number 1 in your life, is always going to score points and keep things alive. Talk and “spice it up”!

In order to first say what can make your sex lives better, we need to identify what the issues are. Below is a long list of things that can make sex uncomfortable or uninviting to one or both partners:

• Can’t get an erection?
• No moisture in vagina?
• Self grooming; smells?
• Weight can cause pain to a partner who is considerably smaller than the other
• Communication; good or bad
• Stress and tension
• Desire
• Arguments? (Anger)
• Trust issues
• Unresolved problems/baggage
• Emotional issues; shame, guilt, embarrassment, victimization/memories, fear  etc.
• Age
• Boredom
• Affairs
• Sexual disorders/dysfunctions
• Withholding for punishment or payback
• Sexual addictions

There are other issues that may be left out of this list that you may be aware of or experiencing. If so, please send them to us so we can add it to the list and address them, as well. Since the list is so large we will address one or two at a time. I will begin with boredom on our next post. In the meantime, please send your issues or issues you have heard of so they can be addressed. They will be added so they are seen by all.

Ok guys, let’s be honest here. Most of us think a lot about sex, right? It starts with boys very young and it appears that it never stops. For girls, it may begin a little later, but then it goes on for a long time, stops and then starts up again.

Sex and sexuality can be a very good thing, but on the other hand, can be a not-so-good thing, as well.  Since this topic can fit into both of our series at Renewing Hearts, For Better, For Worse  and Overcoming Adversity, we will do several posts throughout the next few weeks and it will fall under both categories. Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

In this series, we will discuss the good, the bad and the ugly. What can make it better? What makes it difficult? What is a sexual disorder or addiction? We will address sexual abuse and its ramifications. We will also discuss how religious organizations, upbringing and culture shapes our thinking with regards to sex. We will also take time to tell why affairs start. You ask, all this? We will do our best to answer questions so as you read each post, write them down and send them in.

Stay tuned; the first one comes Thursday!

Wow! I can’t tell you how many times we hear in the counseling center that expectations are not met in most relationships. Is it that most of us have expectations that are unrealistic? Are we expecting our spouses to be God? Are we expecting our spouses to just know? It seems like we want them to be mind readers and that is simply, not fair, is it?

We have talked about this before but it seems like we need to do it about every six months, or so.

Ladies, it is going to be so helpful for you to just realize, that our husbands are not women and they just don’t get it. Women understand emotionally what we are looking for without it having to be said but men do not think the way we do and therefore, need for it to be said, and said very plainly and practically. Sometimes, it seems silly to us, to have to repeat the same things over and over but we have to make it clear. Clear to us, is simply not always clear to, them. When the light goes on, in most cases, they will get it and will respond to it.

Let’s make this simple:

Men, tell your wives when things are not clear. Ask them to explain their needs and desires in a way that makes sense to you. When they do, thank them and reflect back to them what you hear so that there is no misunderstanding. When it is certain that everything is understood, then find ways to respond behaviorally, so that your wife sees that it is understood and that you care enough to make changes.

Women, when your husband does not seem to get what you are trying to get across with your subtle hints, then stop what you are doing and do it differently. Help them understand. Be clear, nice, and respectful. Do not make them feel stupid, just because they are men. Women are good at that, right?

• When there is a need or desire, do not try to give hints.
• When there is a desire, make it clear
• When a need or desire is clearly stated, respond right away or as soon as possible
• When there is an expectation, state it and tell why it is expected
• If the expectation seems unreasonable, state it with clarity and love
• Hold hands while sharing this information; It is very difficult to yell at someone you are holding hands with
• Watch out for your tone: Remember the difference between rape and romance is presentation. Don’t make your spouse feel like he/she is being raped

For questions or comments write:

Alicia@renewinghearts.org

When we consider our emotions, we can look at our spouses and say that anger shows more than almost any other emotion. Why is that? Does it come from our parents? Does it come from our personalities? Maybe both, but let’s consider another possibility.

Keep in mind that anger is a secondary emotion. This means that it is not the primary reason or emotion you are seeing a reaction this severe. Anger always comes from something else. It could be pain. Something deep down inside that hurt you so badly, the only way you know how to express it or feel comfortable expressing it is this anger. Sometimes, it comes from disappointment. This could be seen with fallen expectations. When we are so disappointed that anger is the only emotion seen, then it is way past time to seek help to process through the “why’s, how’s and what’s”, that go along with the anger.

If you are the spouse of someone who is angry most of the time, then you should be attempting to do your very best to see underneath that anger. Where is it coming from? What is he/she hurting from. Why is he/she so disappointed? How can I help or support this emotionally? Could this be solved simply by hand holding,, hugs or being a good listener? Do I need to seek help with my spouse to hear what I am missing? These are all good questions to ask yourself. Be careful not to sound patronizing to your spouse while you ask questions.

If you are the one who is angry then you need to be open with your spouse and willing to be somewhat vulnerable. This is hard for most of us but it is, essential. Being open and honest about what is in our hearts will help to eliminate the times that we degrade, disrespect and hurt our spouses, in the midst of our anger. This never helps the situation. Tell the truth, with love. This is not easy when our pain and disappointments turn into anger. Remember, even God can be angry. It is not wrong to be angry. It is only wrong when we hurt someone in the midst of our anger.

It may be important to get down to the bottom of it all and this may take a third person to keep the anger in check and to process through the stuff we have not been able to do on our own.

Do something out of the ordinary. Sometimes, a welcoming surprise like, going somewhere outside of your home to talk, is wise. This takes the familiarity out of  the picture. It keeps the anger from exploding. Go to the park, out for lunch etc. Use humor instead of anger but don’t try to replace it with humor always or you might get accused of patronizing or make light of a situation. You have to know your spouse. If you don’t, then you will never know how to approach these blow- ups! Try hard to learn what is inside, instead of only seeing what is on the surface. The surface stuff is not the real problem. You may need help to figure it out, but don’t be afraid or embarrassed about that. Every marriage has issues and every marriage needs help from time to time.

There are so many differences for how grief is processed. One girl told me she would never go to a support group as it would be too depressing and she does not want to talk about too much. Another girl asked me to find a group for her that dealt with “sisters losing sisters”. This may be difficult but maybe a group for siblings who have lost siblings, would be easier. It seems as if gender brings on many differences, as well. In the experience of the counselor, it looks like women want to talk about it, in  most cases, much more than men. Emotions run wild in the midst of grief and sometimes, even men cry and need to talk. Most of the time it appears that they wish to be alone, look at pictures, reflect on their own, and on the outside world, it is business as usual.

One person asked how long does it take to feel better. For one, it has been five years and it still hurts. For others, it is sad but they have moved on after one year.

A person’s temperament has a lot to do with these reactions. Are you usually on the “half empty” side? Do you see things on the “half full” side more often? Grief obviously can supersede this temperament, however, many times we see people taking longer when they do not feel like anyone understands, when others are not supportive, when they are loners, when they are already suffering with depression and so on.

Some people claim that there was no experience of denial, at all. In our last post on grief, you know this is not the norm. One man stated that he knew it was coming, just not right at that time, thus no denial or shock. Deep sadness is common. Men and women alike cry for their loss. Sometimes, guilt is an issue. A woman who lost her mom stated that it was her day to call, but didn’t for some reason. Her mom died that night. Lots of guilt was attached to that. One man agreed that he was upset with himself for not going to the hospital that afternoon to visit his wife. She died later. Probably another sign of guilt.

It is also common for many to need to address their remorse over not doing everything that they could of, should of or thought of. This also can bring change to a person’s life and how they treat the people who remain in their lives. We consider the time we did not spend together. We consider the things never completed. We beat ourselves up for not saying “I love you” every single day. We are sad for the kids who lose their parents. We want to make it up somehow to others after the loss, for the loss or unresolved feelings and actions. We sometimes worry about how we have come up with such ridiculous priorities, e.g. putting stuff, or outside commitments, above the people in our lives. When making arrangements for memorial services or funerals, it is easy to get caught up with details and stuff to do. This does not allow the person time to experience their feelings  and this is not always healthy. Of course, the details must be tended to so if you are a friend of someone who is going through this grief, help with those details and ask them questions so they can identify with their feelings. Connecting to it, keeps you from dealing with denial or shock too long.

Talking to others and not allowing yourself to stop talking about the one you lost is more important to most, than not. Share what they did, how you felt about them, what they meant, the good, the bad and the ugly. It’s ok to be mad, sad, and frustrated. Guilt will kill who you are. It is normal, but talk about it. It is not healthy. Find ways to change the parts of you that made you feel the guilt in the first place. Let this become a growing experience. Seek help when you feel stuck and can’t move forward.